A Lesson Learned from Loss
I have so much to be grateful for.
I have one loving husband, 3 beautiful, healthy children, and an angel baby above.
And a Father in Heaven who loves us.
I was 12 weeks 4 days pregnant when I found out. September 6 was the day. I usually don't remember specific dates, but I had to sign and fill out so much paper work that day, the date is etched in my mind. A 4th baby would not be coming into our home around March 18. The haunting words of the doctor will never leave my mind. "There is no baby in there," he says as he is looking at the ultrasound on the screen he got out because he could not find the heartbeat. Say what? I took a pregnancy test 2 months ago. I pee all the time already! There is no bleeding! Am I dumb? Was I really not pregnant this whole time? Thoughts ran wild in my mind the first second he said that sentence. Clearly there was a placenta on the screen, where is the baby? He went on to explain that the baby was probably a blighted ovum. It occurs when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but doesn't develop into an embryo. With a blighted ovum, though, the pregnancy sac forms and grows, but the embryo does not develop. It was not meant to be from the beginning.
I sat there in shock. Absolute shock. What the H just happened? 1 minute ago I was having a baby. We would have 4 kids 5 years old and younger. And now, no
baby! I was almost 13 weeks, practically out of the woods for having a
miscarriage, right? I hate that "m" word, by the way. The doctor said it was OK for me to cry, so I did. I was calm until he said that. Then, I felt alone. Aaron was home with the kids because I was supposed to do the pap smear deal and didn't want to scar my kids for life. I had already changed into a gown and everything. He tells me my 3 choices: let nature takes its course, take a pill and speed up nature, or have a D and C. I hadn't start bleeding yet and chose a D and C. I didn't want to drag out the emotional/physically pain for who knows how long.
I sped walked out of the office as fast as I could trying to hide my bright red eyes and wet face from all the preggos sitting in the waiting room. The first day all week I choose to wear eye makeup and it had to be today. I silently drove home to Aaron, dreading how I would tell me. I walk in the door, he asks how the appointment went and I cry. No words. Just tears. The 2 big kids are at preschool and Travi, Daddy, and I just hold each other. Travis wacks me and I laugh. Thank you for the comic relief Travispants! 5 minutes later, I start bleeding. Oh. In a good way, everything worked out with the logistics of the day. Aaron happen to not be working that day because it was a Friday. I ran out the door quickly and didn't have time to eat anything. I was worried when I got to my initial appointment that I would be dizzy and dry heave because I didn't eat anything. Having a D and C, you cannot eat the day of with the procedure. Aaron's parents were available to watch the kids, so Aaron could be with me. I had a D and C a few hours after my appointment and had the rest of the day to let it sink in. The day went as smooth as it could. That is a blessing. Last week was difficult between how bad I hurt physically and emotionally. Even on a hard day, life can't totally come to a halt when you're a mom. So with my brave face and fast food, we made to this week.
Last week, I ate 4 whole boxes of Lorna Doones in a few days time, and thought I better quite before I breakout like crazy. My face is now feeling the effects of the sugar high of last week. We were doing well. Life doesn't stop when you hurt, emotionally or physically. It wasn't my main focus anymore. I have 3 other kids and a husband to take care of. I understand that God has a plan for us. I am forever grateful for eternal families, that one day I will get to meet the precious spirit that couldn't make it to my earthly arms. I was still sooo sad on the inside, but with the gospel and the understanding of His plan that we have, it leaves so much hope. Thankfully, I had only told a few people, beside our families, that we were pregnant. I considered at one point doing a Facebook announcement. I mean, I was past 12 weeks pregnant! Thank goodness I didn't. On Tuesday night, 2 days ago, our house was dark at dusk. We had no lights on, inside or out. Kids were in bed at 7:30 and I was rocking Travi in the recliner in our family room. I was in Aaron's gym shorts and BYU t-shirt, ready to lounge. Aaron had a show on and it was dark and quiet. 7:40 and someone knocks at the door. We figured it was our friend across the street. There was no one else it could be. Aaron opens the door to 3 men with white shirts and ties, their Sunday best, the Elders Quorum Presidency. They came in. We were shocked. They are 3 of the kindest men, young husbands in their 20s and early 30s. We chatted for a few minutes, asking what we have been up to. Then, one brother said that beforehand when they were thinking about who they should visit, our names were brought to mind again and again. With all the traveling Aaron had done all summer, perhaps they thought he was inactive at church, we joked. They shared a spiritual message that hit the mark. I was getting teary eyed, and the Elders Quorum President asked if he could give Aaron a blessing. Aaron has a very stressful job with a lot going on and so much pressure on him. He told me after that he had been wanting a blessing, but never actually made the call to get one. It was just what Aaron needed with the crazy events of the past week. By this time, our two big kids had gotten out of bed and the 3 babes were running a muck. They were really interested in why Daddy was getting a blessing, why I was crying, why these guys were here. He gave Aaron a beautiful blessing. Then Aaron asked me if I wanted one. I did. My sweet husband with the priesthood was able to give me a blessing. I was surrounded by four amazing men who hold the priesthood power. With their hands on my head, Aaron gave me a beautiful blessing using that same priesthood power that Jesus had when he was on the earth. I was so overcome with emotion. In my blessing, the main thing that stood out was that Heavenly father is proud of me and that he loves me and knows my pain. It was a simple blessing, but I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of love that came over me. It was almost like a physical feeling of love that I could touch, like Heavenly Father was surrounding me. Its a feeling that you want to always have with you, a feeling that I am finding trouble describing in words. It was a huge reminder that I have someone above looking our for me, and loving me for who I am, faults and all. Someone who understands everything I go through, he goes through it with me, whether I realize it or not. Someone whose love is unconditional and pure, with no strings attached.....
....And at that moment, I knew what I was supposed to learn from this tragedy. I learned something simple yet important, that I knew, but didn't really know, didn't really understand. Heavenly Father loves me so much because I am his daughter and he is there for me. We are all his children and he will always be there for us.
The Elders Quorum had no idea what we had been through. I had only told one friend, besides our families. No one knew. But, God knew. He knew that we needed help and he knew who would listen to and act on the promptings of the Holy Ghost. He knew we needed something that we didn't think we necessarily needed. We act like we can handle everything ourselves. But we can do nothing without God. God sent those 3 amazing men to our dark house. It was a miracle of God that they came at that moment. They have blessed our lives so much. I am so thankful for my father in Heaven and now I really know that he loves me, always has, and always will.
As I tucked Tilly and Maddox back into their beds that night, I told each of them that God sent those men to us because we needed them. "Are they missionaries?" Tilly asked. "Yes," I said.
(I thought long and hard about if I should write this or not on my blog. I hope maybe one day this helps someone who has gone through or will go through what we went through losing our baby. And I hope they cling to God and the hope he brings. You can find out more about my religion at www.lds.org)
I sped walked out of the office as fast as I could trying to hide my bright red eyes and wet face from all the preggos sitting in the waiting room. The first day all week I choose to wear eye makeup and it had to be today. I silently drove home to Aaron, dreading how I would tell me. I walk in the door, he asks how the appointment went and I cry. No words. Just tears. The 2 big kids are at preschool and Travi, Daddy, and I just hold each other. Travis wacks me and I laugh. Thank you for the comic relief Travispants! 5 minutes later, I start bleeding. Oh. In a good way, everything worked out with the logistics of the day. Aaron happen to not be working that day because it was a Friday. I ran out the door quickly and didn't have time to eat anything. I was worried when I got to my initial appointment that I would be dizzy and dry heave because I didn't eat anything. Having a D and C, you cannot eat the day of with the procedure. Aaron's parents were available to watch the kids, so Aaron could be with me. I had a D and C a few hours after my appointment and had the rest of the day to let it sink in. The day went as smooth as it could. That is a blessing. Last week was difficult between how bad I hurt physically and emotionally. Even on a hard day, life can't totally come to a halt when you're a mom. So with my brave face and fast food, we made to this week.
Something that I constantly think is what am I supposed to learn from this?
Tuesday
morning was rough. As I am trying to get Tilly to eat the eggs she
hates for breakfasts, rush her upstairs to get her to brush her teeth
and there are still eggs in her mouth, I scream at her. We have to be at
preschool in 10 minutes. I am not a screamer. I scared her. I scared
her to tears.
What are you doing, Brittany? Who cares if she is late for preschool? It's not important.
We
all get in the car and get to school 10 minutes late. I apologize to
her nice teacher. Before Tilly walks into her classroom, I grab her and
hug her. "I will have a better attitude when I pick you up. I promise. I
am so sorry, Boo Boo." She forgives and loves me and hugs me as if I
was the best mom in the world, which I was the worst mom in the world to her! Man, I suck.
She
is a gift from God, literally. Each one of my kids was sent to me for a
reason, so I could care for them, love them, teach them and be taught
by them. My Heavenly Father entrusted the 3 of these angels to me.
Last week, I ate 4 whole boxes of Lorna Doones in a few days time, and thought I better quite before I breakout like crazy. My face is now feeling the effects of the sugar high of last week. We were doing well. Life doesn't stop when you hurt, emotionally or physically. It wasn't my main focus anymore. I have 3 other kids and a husband to take care of. I understand that God has a plan for us. I am forever grateful for eternal families, that one day I will get to meet the precious spirit that couldn't make it to my earthly arms. I was still sooo sad on the inside, but with the gospel and the understanding of His plan that we have, it leaves so much hope. Thankfully, I had only told a few people, beside our families, that we were pregnant. I considered at one point doing a Facebook announcement. I mean, I was past 12 weeks pregnant! Thank goodness I didn't. On Tuesday night, 2 days ago, our house was dark at dusk. We had no lights on, inside or out. Kids were in bed at 7:30 and I was rocking Travi in the recliner in our family room. I was in Aaron's gym shorts and BYU t-shirt, ready to lounge. Aaron had a show on and it was dark and quiet. 7:40 and someone knocks at the door. We figured it was our friend across the street. There was no one else it could be. Aaron opens the door to 3 men with white shirts and ties, their Sunday best, the Elders Quorum Presidency. They came in. We were shocked. They are 3 of the kindest men, young husbands in their 20s and early 30s. We chatted for a few minutes, asking what we have been up to. Then, one brother said that beforehand when they were thinking about who they should visit, our names were brought to mind again and again. With all the traveling Aaron had done all summer, perhaps they thought he was inactive at church, we joked. They shared a spiritual message that hit the mark. I was getting teary eyed, and the Elders Quorum President asked if he could give Aaron a blessing. Aaron has a very stressful job with a lot going on and so much pressure on him. He told me after that he had been wanting a blessing, but never actually made the call to get one. It was just what Aaron needed with the crazy events of the past week. By this time, our two big kids had gotten out of bed and the 3 babes were running a muck. They were really interested in why Daddy was getting a blessing, why I was crying, why these guys were here. He gave Aaron a beautiful blessing. Then Aaron asked me if I wanted one. I did. My sweet husband with the priesthood was able to give me a blessing. I was surrounded by four amazing men who hold the priesthood power. With their hands on my head, Aaron gave me a beautiful blessing using that same priesthood power that Jesus had when he was on the earth. I was so overcome with emotion. In my blessing, the main thing that stood out was that Heavenly father is proud of me and that he loves me and knows my pain. It was a simple blessing, but I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of love that came over me. It was almost like a physical feeling of love that I could touch, like Heavenly Father was surrounding me. Its a feeling that you want to always have with you, a feeling that I am finding trouble describing in words. It was a huge reminder that I have someone above looking our for me, and loving me for who I am, faults and all. Someone who understands everything I go through, he goes through it with me, whether I realize it or not. Someone whose love is unconditional and pure, with no strings attached.....
....And at that moment, I knew what I was supposed to learn from this tragedy. I learned something simple yet important, that I knew, but didn't really know, didn't really understand. Heavenly Father loves me so much because I am his daughter and he is there for me. We are all his children and he will always be there for us.
The Elders Quorum had no idea what we had been through. I had only told one friend, besides our families. No one knew. But, God knew. He knew that we needed help and he knew who would listen to and act on the promptings of the Holy Ghost. He knew we needed something that we didn't think we necessarily needed. We act like we can handle everything ourselves. But we can do nothing without God. God sent those 3 amazing men to our dark house. It was a miracle of God that they came at that moment. They have blessed our lives so much. I am so thankful for my father in Heaven and now I really know that he loves me, always has, and always will.
As I tucked Tilly and Maddox back into their beds that night, I told each of them that God sent those men to us because we needed them. "Are they missionaries?" Tilly asked. "Yes," I said.
(I thought long and hard about if I should write this or not on my blog. I hope maybe one day this helps someone who has gone through or will go through what we went through losing our baby. And I hope they cling to God and the hope he brings. You can find out more about my religion at www.lds.org)
Since I never got a picture of our angel baby, here are pictures of my first 3 angels on the day of their births.
 |
| Chantilly |
 |
| Maddox |
 |
| Travis |
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